Itty Bitty Titty Committee

Photographer and journalist at heart, I wanted to capture and remember every moment and feeling I experience on this journey...

Alright, so I do a self breast exam every now and again, whenever I remember. My last exam had to have been maybe 8 months ago or so. On the night of January 16th, 2009 (just ONE week after my 34th birthday) I was about to go to sleep when I decided to do my "every now and again" breast exam. This time it was different though. I have little mosquito bites, I get it, but I felt a lump in my right breast. My gut sank. It was weird. I double checked and triple checked. Yeah, there was a lump there. It was the shape and size of an egg and it was rock solid. I checked all day the next day too, still there. I kept thinking maybe THIS time the lump will be gone. Maybe I'm imagining it. No such luck. I processed this on my own for about a week and eventually told some friends. Naturally they yelled at me and I made an appointment with my OB.

I saw my OB on January 27, 2009. She felt my lovely lady lump and paused in her tracks and quickly continued the exam as to not alarm me. She tried to keep her poker face on, but I'm a paramedic. I'm slick. I notice everything. Her only verbal response was, "yeah that's a lump." She ordered a mammogram and an ultrasound and asked if I had any questions. I know when my patients ask me questions I always tell them that until we get more test results we won't really know anything. Of course I knew she'd say "until we get more test results we won't really know anything." I saved all my questions. Nothing sunk in at the Dr's office. She gave me the orders for my tests and I had to make all the arrangements.

I walked out to my car and made my appointments in the parking lot of the Dr's office. Something slapped me in the face once I got off the phone. I cried the whole drive home. I had no clue what I was crying about though. Just all the "what ifs" I guess; my head was spinning. I got it together by the time I pulled into my garage.

On January 30th, 2009 I had my mammogram and ultrasound done. First off, the mammogram was no joke. I can't even describe the pain and have no clue how they got my little pancakes in that machine. Both the ultrasound and mammogram techs felt my lovely lady lump. Each of them paused with big eyes and asked the same questions - does it hurt and does it move? No. This thing doesn't hurt and it's quite stationary. A lot of my friends were asking me if it hurt too. Why was EVERYONE asking me if it hurt?? It was Friday and I had big plans that weekend - I had awesome seats to see my favorite UFC fighter Georges St. Pierre at the MGM on Saturday and it was Super Bowl weekend. Again, on the drive home I balled my eyes out. I got a strange vibe from both techs. They were very nice and professional, but I could read them like the ninja that I am. Something was up, but I didn't want to know anything just yet. Not right now.

I had the best weekend ever and called my OB on Tuesday February 3rd, 2009. The nurse explained to me that she couldn't tell me anything since my OB hadn't seen the results yet. After a few words, she finally tells me the radiologist ordered an ultrasound guided biopsy. Again, I asked her what the results showed. She just streeeeetched out all of her words with loooong pauses in between. I was getting dizzy!! All she gave me was that they confirmed it was a "solid mass". We knew this, but had to rule out a cyst. A cyst would be awesome at this point, but nah - it's a solid tumor. Again, I cried like a little, bitty, baby girl on the drive home from work and was golden by the time I walked through the front door. So I've figured out my cry baby pattern - seems it happens right after an event...doctor visits, or after a test, or test results, etc. At least now I know when I'm gonna explode into tears and I can take cover!

I've been doing ALL kinds of reading about different types of breast cancers. The descriptions are very specific and detailed. From the point of origin to the direction of travel. The shape and feel. Sooo detailed. Breast cancer doesn't hurt and it can't be moved because it grows on and in the tissue. Just like my lovely lady lump. It's not just a random tumor the size of a pea or a grain of rice that has nothing to do with nothing. A couple of my friends who know a thing or two about this have agreed with me as well. They, too, feel that this isn't the last I'll be hearing about this tumor.

I'm not afraid. I have my moments when I'm alone that a tear or two manages to sneak out of my eyes. I finally figured out that it's ok to cry. I've decided that I'm getting all my fear out now so it's gone from my system. When it's time to get down to business and take care of myself I'll be ready and focused.

The real party hasn't even started yet and I've already gotten so much support from my awesome friends and paramedic family. I'm ok with the inevitable. This is just another task on my "to-do" list that needs to be taken care of and I'm ready to handle it. I got this.

My biopsy will be done on Monday February 16th, 2009 at 7am...exactly 1 month after I found my lovely lady lump...tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock...